Selfless, how do I get there?

Best mom ever 

Do you ever feel like you have no time for you? You’re probably right. Let’s face it, we run some seriously complex households that resemble 3 ring circuses! Do you ever feel like if you sit down the whole thing might crumble right before your very eyes?! We’ve created these lives to meet the needs of all the people we love and care for, our children, our partners, our parents, and sometimes even co-workers. Why do we do all this? 

I think we can start by thinking about the messages we receive from our society about what it means to be a “Good Mom.” When I ask myself what that means and how it was defined, I realize so much of it has been determined by the messages I have received from seeing, hearing, and feeling how the world around me has done it. I have gotten the message loud and clear that I need to be busy “taking care” of my kids. Being a good mom means I have happy kids that have the clothes they want, they do a sport or activity they excel at, they have friends, they eat healthily, they are socially and emotionally mature, they excel in school, they are noticed and praised by the adults in their life, and so much more. Being a good mom means that I know what’s for dinner every night, the laundry is washed, the rides are coordinated, the homework is done, attention and love has been given, my partner doesn’t have many interruptions in their day, and I keep up the full-time job outside of the home. The ultimate mom is selfless.

My oldest daughter once wrote me an amazing, loving letter telling me how much she appreciated me. She described all the things I did for everyone and how “selfless” I am. She beautifully wrote how she hoped to be just like me as a mother someday. I was bawling when I read that letter. I had received the highest compliment from one of the most important people in my life! She saw how hard I worked to make her and her sister’s lives as perfect as possible. I did it!! I was seen as SELFLESS! I felt like THE BEST MOM EVER!

More recently I have experienced some very big life shifts and one my greatest lightbulb moments was how wrong I have been to be “selfless.” My selflessness actually has meant that I have given the world less of myself. I got to a place where I believed I had no needs and worked incredibly hard to take up as little space as possible. I have actually believed this was how to be the BEST MOM! I don’t think I am alone either. I think there are millions of us believing this same thing! My friends, if this is correct, what are we teaching our daughters? Do we really want them to be less of themselves? Is that what we have worked so hard for? I don’t think so! We want to raise strong, confident, sure young women, but are we being those women? Strong, confident women take up space. They know who they are, and they have needs. They ask for their needs to be met and they have passions they nurture. They are bold, moving, and brave! Are we teaching our girls to be this way by being selfless mothers? Let’s be clear that we are not. We cannot have it both ways. We cannot be bold, confident, passionate women without needs that take up space. 

I want to encourage all mothers who relate to this to begin to make some small shifts to be the women they are. Take some time each day to get to be with yourself. Maybe it’s only 3 minutes, 8 minutes, or 10 minutes. Find a time EVERY day that allows you to be with your own thoughts. Remember who YOU are. What do you love, what are you passionate about, what are some of your needs that are not being met? Take some steps to show your daughters that it is ok to take up space and have needs. The reality is, the more we take care of ourselves, the better we are for those we love.

Natalya